Dear Kurt,
    I've been a fan of your site for quite some time, and through it a fan
of the series. However, since it is a Japanese game, the translations are
oftne screwey and the translators tend to miss the point of an instruction
manual.
    The following is a spoof manual for a generic castlevania game. I hope
it's good enough to put it on the site. If not, at least write back and tell
me I suck. In anycase, here it is:

---Beginning of Manual---
Congraturation! You have bought a Konami Product! How often does that
happen? Well, here it is, the instruction manual to the Konami product you
have bought, which shall remain nameless because this is a standard opening,
and any references to the name of the product would make it usless on other
products.

From all of us at Konami, I am a fish.

I: Introduction
II: Controls
III: Dirty Limericks
IV: Weapons
V: Stuff
VI: Other Stuff
VII: Legal Stuff
VIII: Those really neat FCC regulations that say the cartridge will not fuzz
out any nearby televisions.
IX: Thrilling Conclusion
X: A last bit just to leave a round number of sections


"Fangs for the Memories" (Oh, good lord, that was a good one. And I get to
do this all through the manual. Get it? Fangs? Thanks? Ha, ha ha ha...)

It has been approximately one hundred years since the fall of the Prince of
Darkness (no, not Satan, the *real* evil guy. You know, that Transylvanian
guy based on the Mongolian?) and the Belmont clan has done a lot of
reproducing. However, just as eating garlic brings back a bad smell, killing
Dracula brings on a curse, and the next child of the Belmonts is cursed to
go through another god-awful digital gauntlet to kill the *next* incarnation
of the bow-tied-beelzebub. And of course, he cannot do it himself... he
needs you to show him the way.

In this tale, Enoch Belmont, the latest in a long line of vampire hunters
with funny names (well, Simon ain't so bad. And my middle name's
Cristopher...) must battle stuff that died before he was born, traverse
architectually impossible sections of rotting castle, and walk on odd pink
blocks to reach the final showdown with the caped corpse himslef, Vlad Tepes
Dracul The Impaler Party Guy Dracula. It may give away the ending, but you
can feel safe in assuming that there are fireballs in threes and at least on
wierd morph in the end.

But the way will be frought with peril, aside from all of these cute little
inconveniences. For, after each stage of the journey (herefter refered to as
"levels") there will be a hellish beast so powerful, that I will add an
unneccessary comma and a misspelling. It will be a difficult battle. Heck,
it'll probably bash your head in just by looking at you funny. Tell you
what, just forget the game. You can't win. I don't know why you bought this
in the first place. It's just too difficult for the likes of you.


"Method to the Madness" (See? A real literary reference! And it has to do
with motion, kinda! I'm a genious, I tell you, a genious!"

To make Enoch (snicker) do what you want him to do, you have to get on his
good side and push all the right buttons (Hah! And that wasn't even a
chapter heading! I'm your comedy god!). To make him walk, press left or
right on the little cross shaped button (which is by no means a holy
reference) and hold it until he's where you want him to be. To make him
duck, press up. I just like making things difficult for players. To make him
use a whip (kinky) Press the "B" button. To make him leap into the air like
a gazelle or flamboyant stage actor, press "A." To make him use his
secondary weapon, press down and "B." I switched them, remember? Aren't I a
rat bastard? Finally, to make Enoch use the lavatory, a function no other
Belmont has needed, press select. Pressing start would normally pause the
game, but I am in a playful mood and have decided that it will cause the
screen to go pink whilst your closest relative will approach you with a
boquet of fule lines and sing showtunes. The coders had a field day with
that one...


"Coffin up Smut" (Hah! Coffin! Yeah, it's not a cliche' or anything, but I
said coffin for Coughing, and that's automatically funny.)

You thought I was kidding about the limerick? Well, it's been edited for you
squeemish Americans.

There Once was a man from Nantuket,
Whose [CENSORED] was so long he could [CENSORED]
He said with a grin
As he [IT'S NOT THAT GROSS BY IT SELF, BUT IN CONTEXT IT'S CENSORED]
If my ear were a [CENSORED] I would [CENSORED]

There. All over. I rather like it myself. But then I also read Hentai.


"Holy Crap!"

Enoch (Mmmph! Enoch! Snicker!) is going to need more than his wits, your
fingers, and a leather thong to make his way through this journey. He's
going to need stuff to beat the living [CENSORED] out of all of his
non-living adversaries (Ha, dry humor. I am just trans-genre tonight!) For
this purpose he carries the usual Belmont fare of weaponry that technically
isn't holy, 'cause american's don't like religious references. Well,
actually, they couldn't care less about them, but some screw up here in the
translation dept. thinks we do, so just say it's all magical.

Vampire Killer: This is the whip that the Belmonts have carried in the
family for genrations and generations. Just Enoch's luck (Mmmmphshshsh!), no
one has ever washed it, and it smells really bad. Be glad it's digital.
Anyway, a whip is not technically a weapon so much as a really annoying
thing to get hit with, but it still works. Not because it's holy and it's
targets are un-holy, but it does work.

Dagger: Sucks

Axe: Sucks in an arc.

Stopwatch: Sucks for about five seconds, and costs too many hearts.

Boomerang: Sucks, and just when you think it's gone, it sucks right on back.
Oh, it looks like a cross, but that's a graphical error. It's just a really
badly drawn boomerang.

Not-Necissarily-Holy-Water: Really! It's a malatov cocktail! It's just
gasoline in a bottle! So some people but crosses on top of their bottle
corks. It's their prerogative!


"Don't Praise any given deity And Pass the Ammo"

To use the above weapons, Enoch (Snort!) must find ammunition. Instead of
finding multiple of the object in question, he picks up little Valentines
and turns them into instruments of destruction. If he picks up big
Valentines, he gets five more uses, unless it's that blasted Stopwatch,
which takes seven Valentines to run. Damn thing, don't know why we coded it
in the first place...

If Enoch gets the living crap kicked out of him (and with a name like Enoch
you can bet it happens often enough), he can pick up Gespatcho soup that
will heal his wounds for some reason. I guess being served cold has somthing
to do with it...

Where can he find all these magically delightful things? Well, there are
Candles all over the place. For some reason the count keeps things that can
kill him in them. I suppose he thinks that no one will look in a candalabra.
You can also find them in walls made of pink blocks (which are more common
than common sense dictates they should be) and in the wake of a fallen
baddie. Why are ghosts carryin not-necessarily-holy-water? I dunno. I'm
getting tired. Stop bothering me...


"Whip it! Whip it Good!" (Pop Culture! Oh, what can I not do?)

And here's a comprehensive list of all of the horrors that you will meet on
your journey.

[Beautifully elaborate collage with all sorts of medeival nightmares that
you can't see because this is a reprint of the manual, so ha hah.]

Great isn't it? Took me hours to draw this. I did it all with a "Clowney"
crayon. Remember those? They were a really neat fad in the 80's. Well, I
liked it, anyway...


"Lawyers are Good People, deep down..." (And a reference to another Joke!
Hah!)

"Castlevania, the Unneccessary and Misspelled Sequel" is a copyright of
Konami, and even saying the title without express written permission is
punishable by hanging by the toes off of a carburator of a '57 chevy
suspended by a crane, and tickling by long feathers by people who laugh
through their noses at Jerry Springer. Failure to comply with copyright is
really irritating, and we actually do lose money off of it, but hell, what
are we gonna do about it? We're in Japan, and rom dumping is so hard to
trace. We'll just have to live off of the amazing sums we get from the
inital release.


"Walk Into the Light" (Remember that movie? The people in the television?
FCC regulations? It takes a special kind of mind to make a connection like
that. I swear, I'm going on the Rosie O'Donnel show, baby!)

This product complies with article 1, section 8 of the United States
Constitution, which states a whole bloody lot of things and gives the
Federal Gov't only so much power, leaving the rest for the states to work
with. It also will not allow static interference to interrupt your mother's
soap opera on the other TV, because we know how long she's been waiting to
find out about who slept with Darren's sister, and why. We know an awful lot
about you... Billy...

"Notes" (Well, they can't all be gems...)

This is an area of empty space in which you may write down codes. Of course,
I didn't include a save feature, but hey, write them down anyway. Or you
could use it for other things. You could write down stats on all the
monsters that you find in the game. Of course, you'd have to be pretty bored
to do that, I suppose. I know my sister Sheila once used the notes section
in the "Super Mario Bros." Instruction Manual to write down "Property of Jon
and George Payne." It was really nice of her. Actually, we never had to
prove that we owned it, but hey, it worked. I know some people like to make
neat Anime style pictures of their favorite characters. Maybe you could do
that with this section. Oh, wait, I've filled it up. Well, you didn't need
it anyway. Just play the stupid game. It has a tutorial mode in it, so you
don't need this [CENSORED] book. Throw it out. I got paid for it, it's over
for me now. Just go ahead.

---End of Manual---

Well, that's the lot of it. I started this at about Midnight and finished it
at about Three AM. Of course, I was interuppted by philosophical
conversations with my roomate, but hey, most of the time was work. The
delerium of tiredness makes it funnier. That and I don't have class 'till
11:40 on mondays, so I am set, baby!

In anycase, I hope you liked it, and I hope it is worthy of the Castlevania
Dungeon.


Your Devoted and Loyal Fan,
                                                                            
                                                        -George "Jesus"
Payne